Ok, so I'm done playing nice. I'm done with being politically correct and trying to box my feelings and seal them. Here is where I stand in life at this very moment and what I really think about a lot of the things that are going on...
I am one of the most blessed people to have ever lived. I have an amazing family, fantastic friends, lots of God-given talents, and the most beautiful and phenomenal children who have ever lived. God is moving fiercely through me and helping me to make strong choices, be a leader, and heal myself in order to become the person that He wants me to be.
I am also extremely frustrated and need to put it all down in words. My ex-husband is not making strong choices. Our children are with him for approximately 31 hours every two weeks...most times less. He chooses to work on the nights he has the kids, when he is supposedly "unemployed" and is receiving unemployment from the government. He has also turned down holidays for the reason that he is "working," but, again, he is supposedly unemployed. He is marrying a woman who doesn't want our children. She wants her child. She wants children with him. This second thing will not be difficult, as he is very capable of making children--amazing children. In fact, he has three already, one of which he gave up rights to when she was almost ten years old (after our divorce) and two that he doesn't financially support (as I have received less than one full child support payment in 2012), not to mention emotionally support. It breaks my heart to see him go down this path. He has the potential to be a great human being, otherwise I would never have married him. And I had my own fault in our relationship. I will own my part of the problems. I've faced my inadequacies head on and am actively trying to become a better person. I pray that he will do the same, before it is too late.
When I feel all of these emotions, I have to turn to Ephesians 4:31-32: "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you." Forgive. FORGIVE! Let go of the bitterness... now that's a tough pill to swallow. Most days I am an incredibly pleasant person. I love people. I trust people. I'm funny and kind. But he is the one person who makes my blood boil because no matter what sense is talked into him, he turns a deaf ear. So I need to let go of all that bitterness that is brewing inside me, otherwise I will begin to whistle like a teakettle with the malice in my heart spewing from my mouth. Let go. Let go. LET GO! Just do it. I can't change this situation. If I could change him, he would still be my husband. In fact, I would like to quote an email that I sent to him a year before we divorced...
This conversation is dated January 13, 2010...
Hi!
I'm just going to send you an email because every time we try to talk about this nothing really gets resolved. You look at me with puppy dog eyes and tell me you are going to change, and nothing happens. Well frankly, I really need something to happen.
I'll be the first to admit, I am not faultless. I call you names I shouldn't and sometimes I get angry and don't know how to express myself in a productive way. Having said that, I'm tired of being angry.
Today when I got stuck in the snow was really just the last straw for me. I shouldn't be afraid to come ask you for help. Had we had a shovel, I would have tried to do it on my own rather than feel the way I do after I have had any encounter with you. I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but I'm not going to be. And as your wife, I shouldn't feel like I can't ask you to help me or tell you something I have done. When anything like that happens, you belittle me and make me feel like crap. I cried the whole way from Shen to Tabor this morning, and I cried last week and the week before. I know I'm an emotional person, but I shouldn't be hurting that often. I know marriage is work, and I know we will have our fights, but this is getting ridiculous.
What can we do to make things better? I'm willing to try and work on our relationship. I don't really want to throw everything out the window, but I don't want our children growing up and thinking it is okay to be treated the way we are treating each other now. I can only control my own actions. I am willing to come your way. I am going to try very hard to stop name calling and I will just walk away from you and not have a conversation if you feel like you need to yell. Our children have heard too much yelling already. When you yell, I yell, and then we are just yelling and not getting anything accomplished, and no one feels better afterward...at least I don't.
I love you, but I'm tired of telling myself, "I know he is a good guy." I need you to BE that good guy. I shouldn't have to justify my relationship to myself. I'm sorry to send this all in an email, but you are asleep, and I am hurting, and I can't get any of my work done until this is out of me...and talking to you is getting me no where.
So please stop saying you will try harder, and DO try harder. I will try harder too. I want to stay married. I want to raise our family TOGETHER. But I will not spend the next 50 years of my life like this. So we need to get it figured out.
I love you.
me
(His response)
Well my actions this morning were undeserved! I get so frustrated at you sometimes because you make decisions that make no sense. I am sorry that I hurt you. I dont think we have a bad marriage but i do think we have things we need to work on. i was so mad this morning about the van getting stuck. It made no sense to pull the van up an additional five feet just to get than van stuck. You are one of the most intelligent people i know but sometimes your use of common sense comes up short. I love you and I even get frusterated for acting the way I do. i think i am an asshole most of the time. I will continue to do a better job....But in the end showing is knowing so you will be able to tell if i am doing better. I love you and never want anything to happen to you, me, and our family. I love you!.
ME
P.S. you arent leaving me are you? I hope not because I love you!
(My response to him)
I know you get frustrated, and I know I do stupid things sometimes, but I just get tired of feeling like crap and crying all the time. I'm not leaving you, but I think we have some real work to do...and I think that you really take me for granted. It is like the conversation we had the other day. I feel like I'm doing everything only to get yelled at later.
And this morning is only one example. It's not like I thought "you know what sounds like fun? I'll get the van stuck in the snow because I love it when Conrad says mean things to me and bosses me around and treats me like crap. I also love being ten minutes late for work. It is AWESOME!" It's all the little things adding up to be one big thing. It's me putting groceries down and they happen to fall on your shoe so you call me a fucking moron and we get in a huge fight because instead of opening a door and helping me, I'm doing it all alone and getting yelled at about it later. I know I'm not perfect, I know I have my own stuff that I need to do better...but I really think that I'm doing a lot for us. I buy groceries, do laundry, clean the house, feed and bathe the kids, take them to and from daycare, work all day, take a full course load of classes, and do the bills. I can't do it all anymore. I need you to do part of it...and not yell at me later about it. I'm tired of being treated like a criminal in my own house. I'm not one of the shitbags you deal with at night. I'm your wife.
Love,
Becca
---
Well, I think that about sums it up... and even re-reading those words today just reaffirms that I made the right choice. It makes me sad that things had to end the way they did. I miss that man I met and fell in love with. He doesn't exist anymore, but neither does that girl. I'm stronger. I'm wiser. I'm the best version of myself I've ever been. And I think that had we grown together, in the same direction, matured -- both of us -- and had we both chosen to work through what was wrong in our relationship, maybe it would have worked. But as it stands now, I am so grateful that my children are not influenced by his actions on a day-to-day basis. I never want my son to think it is okay to treat a woman the way his father did me, and I never want my daughter to think that it is okay to be treated the way I was. I hope that he changes. For his new wife's sake, I hope he does. But for right now--in this very moment--I just have to let go.
No comments:
Post a Comment