The Truth Will Set You Free...

Ok, so I'm done playing nice.  I'm done with being politically correct and trying to box my feelings and seal them.  Here is where I stand in life at this very moment and what I really think about a lot of the things that are going on...

I am one of the most blessed people to have ever lived.  I have an amazing family, fantastic friends, lots of God-given talents, and the most beautiful and phenomenal children who have ever lived.  God is moving fiercely through me and helping me to make strong choices, be a leader, and heal myself in order to become the person that He wants me to be.

I am also extremely frustrated and need to put it all down in words.  My ex-husband is not making strong choices.  Our children are with him for approximately 31 hours every two weeks...most times less.  He chooses to work on the nights he has the kids, when he is supposedly "unemployed" and is receiving unemployment from the government.  He has also turned down holidays for the reason that he is "working," but, again, he is supposedly unemployed.  He is marrying a woman who doesn't want our children.  She wants her child.  She wants children with him.  This second thing will not be difficult, as he is very capable of making children--amazing children.  In fact, he has three already, one of which he gave up rights to when she was almost ten years old (after our divorce) and two that he doesn't financially support (as I have received less than one full child support payment in 2012), not to mention emotionally support.  It breaks my heart to see him go down this path.  He has the potential to be a great human being, otherwise I would never have married him.  And I had my own fault in our relationship.  I will own my part of the problems.  I've faced my inadequacies head on and am actively trying to become a better person.  I pray that he will do the same, before it is too late.

When I feel all of these emotions, I have to turn to Ephesians 4:31-32: "Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.  Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you."  Forgive. FORGIVE!  Let go of the bitterness... now that's a tough pill to swallow.  Most days I am an incredibly pleasant person.  I love people.  I trust people.  I'm funny and kind.  But he is the one person who makes my blood boil because no matter what sense is talked into him, he turns a deaf ear.  So I need to let go of all that bitterness that is brewing inside me, otherwise I will begin to whistle like a teakettle with the malice in my heart spewing from my mouth.  Let go. Let go. LET GO!  Just do it.  I can't change this situation.  If I could change him, he would still be my husband.  In fact, I would like to quote an email that I sent to him a year before we divorced...

This conversation is dated January 13, 2010...

Hi!
 
I'm just going to send you an email because every time we try to talk about this nothing really gets resolved.  You look at me with puppy dog eyes and tell me you are going to change, and nothing happens.  Well frankly, I really need something to happen.
 
I'll be the first to admit, I am not faultless.  I call you names I shouldn't and sometimes I get angry and don't know how to express myself in a productive way.  Having said that, I'm tired of being angry.
 
Today when I got stuck in the snow was really just the last straw for me.  I shouldn't be afraid to come ask you for help.  Had we had a shovel, I would have tried to do it on my own rather than feel the way I do after I have had any encounter with you.  I'm sorry I'm not perfect, but I'm not going to be.  And as your wife, I shouldn't feel like I can't ask you to help me or tell you something I have done.  When anything like that happens, you belittle me and make me feel like crap.  I cried the whole way from Shen to Tabor this morning, and I cried last week and the week before.  I know I'm an emotional person, but I shouldn't be hurting that often. I know marriage is work, and I know we will have our fights, but this is getting ridiculous.
 
What can we do to make things better?  I'm willing to try and work on our relationship.  I don't really want to throw everything out the window, but I don't want our children growing up and thinking it is okay to be treated the way we are treating each other now.  I can only control my own actions.  I am willing to come your way.  I am going to try very hard to stop name calling and I will just walk away from you and not have a conversation if you feel like you need to yell.  Our children have heard too much yelling already.  When you yell, I yell, and then we are just yelling and not getting anything accomplished, and no one feels better afterward...at least I don't.
 
I love you, but I'm tired of telling myself, "I know he is a good guy."  I need you to BE that good guy.  I shouldn't have to justify my relationship to myself.  I'm sorry to send this all in an email, but you are asleep, and I am hurting, and I can't get any of my work done until this is out of me...and talking to you is getting me no where.  
 
So please stop saying you will try harder, and DO try harder.  I will try harder too.  I want to stay married.  I want to raise our family TOGETHER.  But I will not spend the next 50 years of my life like this.  So we need to get it figured out.
 
I love you.
me

(His response)

Well my actions this morning were undeserved!  I get so frustrated at you sometimes because you make decisions that make no sense.  I am sorry that I hurt you.  I dont think we have a bad marriage but i do think we have things we need to work on.  i was so mad this morning about the van getting stuck.  It made no sense to pull the van up an additional five feet just to get than van stuck.  You are one of the most intelligent people i know but sometimes your use of common sense comes up short.  I love you and I even get frusterated for acting the way I do.  i think i am an asshole most of the time.  I will continue to do a better job....But in the end showing is knowing so you will be able to tell if i am doing better.  I love you and never want anything to happen to you, me, and our family.  I love you!.
 
ME
 
P.S. you arent leaving me are you?  I hope not because I love you!

(My response to him)

I know you get frustrated, and I know I do stupid things sometimes, but I just get tired of feeling like crap and crying all the time.  I'm not leaving you, but I think we have some real work to do...and I think that you really take me for granted.  It is like the conversation we had the other day.  I feel like I'm doing everything only to get yelled at later.  
 
And this morning is only one example.  It's not like I thought "you know what sounds like fun?  I'll get the van stuck in the snow because I love it when Conrad says mean things to me and bosses me around and treats me like crap.  I also love being ten minutes late for work.  It is AWESOME!"  It's all the little things adding up to be one big thing.  It's me putting groceries down and they happen to fall on your shoe so you call me a fucking moron and we get in a huge fight because instead of opening a door and helping me, I'm doing it all alone and getting yelled at about it later.  I know I'm not perfect, I know I have my own stuff that I need to do better...but I really think that I'm doing a lot for us.  I buy groceries, do laundry, clean the house, feed and bathe the kids, take them to and from daycare, work all day, take a full course load of classes, and do the bills.  I can't do it all anymore.  I need you to do part of it...and not yell at me later about it.  I'm tired of being treated like a criminal in my own house.  I'm not one of the shitbags you deal with at night.  I'm your wife.
 
Love,
Becca

---
Well, I think that about sums it up... and even re-reading those words today just reaffirms that I made the right choice.  It makes me sad that things had to end the way they did.  I miss that man I met and fell in love with.  He doesn't exist anymore, but neither does that girl.  I'm stronger. I'm wiser. I'm the best version of myself I've ever been.  And I think that had we grown together, in the same direction, matured -- both of us -- and had we both chosen to work through what was wrong in our relationship, maybe it would have worked.  But as it stands now, I am so grateful that my children are not influenced by his actions on a day-to-day basis.  I never want my son to think it is okay to treat a woman the way his father did me, and I never want my daughter to think that it is okay to be treated the way I was.  I hope that he changes.  For his new wife's sake, I hope he does.  But for right now--in this very moment--I just have to let go.

Same song, different verse...

Some major changes are brewing in the Jackson Cusick house...

Firstly, the kids' dad is getting remarried in November.  He met his new woman in March, and they're soul mates (which I actually believe to be true... they seem perfect for each other)... but because she doesn't want the same last name as me, we all are going to be changing our names.  I am returning to Jackson and am thrilled, and the kids will become Jackson Cusick, which thrills me even more.  My parents are such a part of their lives, and I have always been a Jackson, so I'm glad that their names will show that.  I've actually always wanted it, so I am really looking forward to the change... I'm not looking forward to new email addresses and social security cards, etc... but the symbolism is worth it.

I started a women's Bible study on the book of James, and I think that God is really trying to speak to me.  Sometimes it is like your mind and heart have been opened and you can truly see the way that you should live and what God truly wants from you.  I think that is part of why I'm trying to write in this blog.  God is at work in me and in my life in a way that can speak to others.  I've been called to inspire others to reach their potential, and I think that some of the trials that I have overcome will help others to see there is a greener pasture, there is an end to the madness... but then again, just when you think you have it figured out, something that was tied in a tidy bow falls apart.  Something that the leader of the study, Beth Moore, said that was really poignant to me was (in reference to the way James speaks to us) "You can't grace yourself out of obedience."  I think that sometimes we want to do God's will, but it is too hard or not as fun.  I think we constantly have to try to make the choices to live well. It's a never-ending battle.

Overall, I am currently overwhelmed with school about to start (I'm student teaching this fall!!! YAY!!) and cheerleading back in full swing.  I can't wait to see what this year brings!  Whatever the trials, I know it will all be worth it.

School's Out for Summer...

Well, school isn't quite out for summer, but the students' brains are already on summer vacation, and I know I am looking forward to the summer break!  Killian is going to take some classes at the Rose Theatre in Omaha, and he is very excited.  I am hoping to become a member at the Omaha Children's Museum, which will provide lots of great family time.  Also, thanks to the kids' dad, we have a zoo pass that we mutually share, and I am definitely grateful for.  I'm trying to figure out where Killian should take swimming lessons because he never has before.

It seems like now that he is four, the world has been opened to him.  So many activities start at this age, which makes it difficult not to over-schedule him.  I'm hoping that I can offer him opportunities without pushing him to do too much.  How do we, as parents, offer these opportunities without pushing our own interests and still encouraging things that we may not be interested in?  That's a balance I'm trying to figure out.

Tangentially, I have come to accept the fact that I am a control freak and am now attempting to remedy this situation.  I am going to try to become more spontaneous.  Planning is sometimes required, as I need to plan childcare if I have my kids and need to go do something, but this summer, I'm going to try to "let it roll."  I hope to live in the moment and to let go of what I can't change.

Ultimately, things are still really great in my life.  The house will be officially leased in another week, which is a little scary, just because I still have a lot of crap to move, and I'm still jazzing my ass off.  Summer is almost here and I can just feel good things coming my way.

You are my inspiration... Opera

Hopefully someone will find the allusion to "Pillow Talk" for the title of this blog entry amusing...but at least I know that I amuse myself! :-)

Yesterday was a fabulous day, and I continue to be inspired to pursue a better life for myself.  I led a few choirs as a part of a job interview, then I traveled to Indianola to have a vocal lesson with the ever-talented Bruce Brown.  Voice lessons are like therapy for me.  I love to sing, feel reconnected to my voice, and remember that I am more than just someone's mom or someone's teacher...I'm a big, ol' diva soprano. :-)

Driving always clears my head, and sometimes I come up with my best ideas while I make the two and a half hour drive to or home from Indianola.  I have decided that since I am 28 years old, and not getting younger, it is time to throw some talent at the wall and see if it sticks.  I'm going to put together my audition package (5 arias) and audition for the Metropolitan Opera National Council Auditions in the fall.  A singer is only allowed to audition until the year she turns 30, and I will turn 29 in this audition year.  I have come to the realization that regardless of my current location or life circumstances, I still have a tremendous desire to perform, to better myself as a performer, and to know that I did not pass up an opportunity to pursue a career in what I truly love.  I feel alive when I sing.  I want to be the kind of parent who shows her children that, regardless of what the circumstances may be, it always pays to pursue your dreams.  It maybe incredibly challenging, and it may not all work out, but I will know I truly tried.

With all of that in mind, I am on a mission.  I need new head shots, new repertoire, an accompanist, a vocal coach that is located closer to me, and many other things.  I will conquer each part of that, one step at a time, and by this time next year, you may be looking at the winner of the Met auditions...who knows?! :-)

Comes a train of little ladies...

This weekend marks the opening and closing of The Mikado at Opera Omaha.  Again, I have been fortunate enough to be hired for the chorus, and I take every opportunity I'm given in stride. During times like these, I reflect on my life and think about the "what if's" and "could have been's," and I see that every action has an equal and opposite reaction.  Had I not made some of the distinct choices I have made in my life, some of the most wonderful things that have ever happened to me (namely my children) would not be in existence.

As always happens when I'm in an opera, I have felt a new sense of life and a desire to work on my music.  Although I am currently pursuing a career in teaching, I still get inspired to work on new music and perform.  I hope to be working for a school district in the fall, and then perhaps I could put together a faculty recital.  Regardless, I have picked several new pieces to work up and put together a new audition package, which at least gives me something to work toward.

Whenever I am working on new music, it always makes me miss my dear friend (and amazing accompanist) Becky.  It was devastating, not only to me, but to our entire community, when she lost her battle to cancer, and I miss her terribly, especially when I'm working on new music.

Overall, I'm fairly inspired, glad that it is finally spring, and hoping that good things will continue to come my way.

Spring has Sprung

After a particularly mild winter, we are already full on into spring.  The beauty of living in Iowa is you never quite know what you will get as far as the weather goes.  Seasons change from year to year, and it is always a surprise.  Now that we live across from a park, we love to spend time outside.  I can't wait for summer!

The downside to the weather is that the kids get a little stir crazy.  Some days I am very frustrated as a parent because all I want to do is fold the laundry without someone tipping over a finished pile.  If I were in a two-person parenting situation, there might be someone to distract the kids so I could get some housework done.  However, in my experience, there wasn't really that help... so I suppose I will just keep my standard of living as "survive" and keep moving forward.

I am very ready to be dating.  I don't want to rush into anything or marry anybody, but I think it is about time that I had somebody buy me dinner. :-)  I hope that the spring will send someone my way.

Weekends with Babies

What an outstanding long weekend!  Killian, Fiona, and I spent the time off from school playing, laughing, singing, and having a great time!  St. Patrick's day was this weekend, and we had "turkey tacos" (as the kids call them), which is a spinach wrap with turkey, cheese, and cucumbers.  We played at the park together.  We sang songs and danced around.  Overall, it was a much needed time together, as rehearsals for the opera are starting and my evenings will belong to that very soon.

So... I'm in love with pinterest!  I "pin" all kinds of great stuff and feel like I've accomplished something, or at least plan to accomplish something...  My current obsessions are teaching about nutrition, finding good projects to do with the kids this summer, and organizing my life.  I am hoping that with this new found idea organization system, I may actually follow through on a few things.

My current challenge is eating right.  I'm trying to do better, and I don't eat as much crap, but I just LOVE food!  I work out 4 hours per week instructing jazzercise, I stay within my points for Weight Watchers, and I still have only lost one pound in 3 weeks.  I guess a loss is better than a gain, though, so I will have to take it as a victory.

A discovery I made this weekend was the deliciousness that is kale chips.  So easy to make and so tasty!  I sprayed a baking sheet with olive oil, spread the torn up kale on the sheet, sprayed the kale, salted it, and popped it in the oven at about 350 degrees for about 10 minutes, moving the kale occasionally so it would crisp evenly.  DELICIOUS!  I highly recommend it.

Overall, it has been a fairly unproductive week.  I'm back on the cheer leading train, with tryout practices and getting ready to select next year's squad.  Let's go Knights!